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The Mens Answer to the Womens Petition against Coffee (London 1674)

The Mens Answer to the Womens Petition against Coffee (London 1674)
-- Digital version: Janet Clarkson (Australia), Thomas Gloning (Germany), 12-11-2005
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Mens Answer
Womens Petition
Their own Performances, and the Vertues of
that Liquor, from the Undeserved Aspersions
lately cast upon them by their


Printed in the Year 1674.



COuld it be Imagined, that ungrateful Women,        1-5
after so much laborious Drudgery, both by Day
and Night, and the best of our Blood and Spirits
spent in your Service, you should thus publickly
Complain? Certain we are, that there never was Age
or Nation more Indulgent to your Sex; have we not        1-10
condiscended to all the Methods of Debauchery?
Invented more Postures than Aretine ever Dreamed of!
Been Pimps to our own Wives, and Courted Gallants
even with the hazard of our Estates, to do us the Civility
of making us not only Contented, but most obliged        1-15
Cuckolds: Is he thought worthy to be esteemed a
Gentleman, that has not seaven times pass'd the Torrid Zone
of a Venerial Distemper, or does not maintain, at least,
a Brace of Mistresses; Talk not to us of those Doating
Fumblers of seven or eight hundred years Old, a Larke        1-20
is better than a Kite; and Cock-Sparrows, though not
long liv'd, are undoubtedly preferrable for the work of
Generation before dull Ravens, though some think they
live three hundred years: That our Island is a Paradise
for Women, is verified still by the brisk Activity of
our Men, who with an equal Contempt scorn Italian
Padlocks, and defie French Dildo's, knowing that a        2-5
small Doze of Natures Quintessence, satisfies better in
a Female Limbeck, than the largest Potion infused by

Let silly Cits--- complain never so much that Madam
Money is Dead and Buried, we dare Appeal to all the        2-10
Commissioners of Whetstones Park, the Suburb Runners,
and Moorfields Night-walkers, if ever they had better
Trading; Nay, have we not forced languishing Nature
by preparations of Cantharides, spiced Meats, Anchoves,
Cullises, Jelly-broths, Lambstones, Diasatyrion,        2-15
Bononia Sawsages, &c. All to answer the height of your
Amorous Passions, and prevent the pitiful Letchery of
an Artificial Tranguin. Have we not with excess of patience
borne your Affronts, been Sweated, Purged,
Fluxed between two Feather-beds, Flog'd, Jib'd, and        2-20
endured all the rest of the Devils Martyrdoms, and will
you still offer to Repine? Certainly experienc'd Solomon
was in the right, when he told us that the Grave and the
Womb were equally Insatiable.

But why must innocent COFFEE be the object of        2-25
your Spleen? That harmless and healing Liquor, which
Indulgent Providence first sent amongst us, at a time
when Brimmers of Rebellion, and Fanatick Zeal had
intoxicated the Nation, and we wanted a Drink at once
to make us Sober and Merry: 'Tis not this incomparable        2-30
settle Brain that shortens Natures Standard, or
makes us less Active in the Sports of Venus, and we
wonder you should take these Exceptions, since so many
of the little Houses, with the Turkish VVoman stradling
on their Signs, are but Emblems of what is to be done
within for your Conveniencies, meer Nurseries to promote        3-5
the petulant Trade, and breed up a stock of hopeful
Plants for the future service of the Republique, in
the most thriving Mysteries of Debauchery; There
being scarce a Coffee-Hut but affords a Tawdry VVoman,
a wonton Daughter, or a Buxome Maide, to        3-10
accommodate Customers; and can you think that any
which frequent such Discipline, can be wanting in their
Pastures, or defective in their Arms? The News we
Chat of there, you will not think it Impertinent, when
you consider the fair opportunities you have thereby,        3-15
of entertaining an obliging friend in our Absence, and
how many of us you have dubb'd Knights of the Bull-Feather,
whilst we have sate innocently sipping the
Devils Holy-water; we do not call it so for driving the
Cace-dæmon of Letchery out of us, for the truth is,        3-20
it rather assists us for your Nocturnal Benevolencies, by
drying up those Crude Flatulent Humours, which
otherwise would make us only Flash in the Pan, without
doing that Thundering Execution which your Expectations
Exact, we dare Appeal to Experience in the Case.        3-25
Coffee is the general Drink throughout Turky, and
those Eastern Regions, and yet no part of the world can
boast more able or eager performers, than those
Circumcised Gentlemen, who, (like our modern Gallants)
own no other joys of Heaven, than what consists in        3-30
Veneral Titillations; the Physical qualities of this Liquor
are almost Innumerable and its vertues (if you will
beleive Pointing, able to out-noise the Quack-bil of an
all-healing Doctor, when your kindness at the Close Hugg
has bestowed on us a virulent Gonorrhæa, this is our
Catholicon, Ens Naturæ and Aqua Tetrachymagogon is an Ass        4-5
to it, 'Tis base adulterate wine and surcharges of Muddy
Ale that enfeeble nature, makes a man as salatious
as a Goat, and yet as impotent as Age, whereas Coffee
Collects and settles the Spirits, makes the erection
more Vigorous, the Ejaculation more full, adds a        4-10
spiritualescency to the Sperme, and renders it more firm
and suitable to the Gusto of the womb, and proportionate
to the ardours and expectation too, of the female

As for our taking Tobacco you have no reason to object,        4-15
since most of your own Sex are so well skilled in
managing a pipe; and if you find that of your Husbands
to be naught, 'tis his natural infirmity, or your own
perpetual Pumping him (not drinking Coffee) is the
occasion of the defect, and therefore let such Tom Farthings        4-20
be forbidden the decoction of the rare Arabian
Berry, and condemned everlastingly with the rest of
doelittles Congregation, to the carrying of Glister-pipes
for the use of the well effected Sisterhood.

You may well permit us to talk abroad, for at home              4-25
we have scarce time to utter a word for the insufferable
Din of your ever active Tongues, the Foolish extravagancies
of our lives, are infinitly out-done by the wild
Frolliques of yours; 'Till Noon you lie a Bed hatching
Concupiscence, then having paid your Adorations,        4-30
to the Ugly Idol in the Glass, you descend to Dinner
were you gormondize enough at one Meal to Famish
a Town Besiedg'd; after that, you are call'd out by a
Cozen, and hurried out in his Honours Coach (whose
jogging, serves as a Preparative to your Letchery) away
to the Play-house, where a Lascivious Dance, a Bawdy        5-5
Song, and the Petulant Gallants Tickling of your hand,
having made an Insurrection in your Blood, you go to
Allay it with an Evenings Exercise at the Tavern, there
you spend freely, yet being Rob'd of nothing we can
miss, home you come in a Railing humour, and at last        5-10
give us nothing for Supper but a Butter'd Bun.

Cease then for the Future your Clamours against
our civil Follies. Alas! alas! Dear Hearts, the Coffee
house is the Citizens Academy, where he learns more
Wit than ever his Grannum taught him, the        5-15
Young-Gallants Stage where he displays the Wardrobe of his
excellent no parts; 'Tis the Non Cons Bull-baiting,
the News-mongers Exchange, the Fools business, the
Knaves Ambuscade, and the Wise mans Recreation:
Here it is where we have the sparkling Cyder, the        5-20
mighty Mum, and the back recruiting Chocolate; 'Tis
Coffee that both keeps us Sober, or can make us so;
And let our Wives that hereafter shall presume to
Petition against it, be confined to lie alone all Night,
and in the Day time drink nothing but Bonny Clabber.        5-25